pray for... the bad guys?

it was mid afternoon on april 15, and i was desperately trying to finish my taxes by 4:30 so i could rush to the post office (sidebar: every year until now my taxes are filed and returned by march at the latest. yes i blame parenthood.) when i got a text from my sister that said "I love you and AJ. I'm praying hard." it was a very nice text, but way too somber for my sister. i knew immediately something was up... but i had no idea what so i responded quizically: "And we love you! Whatcha prayin' for?" When I saw her reply, my heart sunk and started pounding simultaneously.

"Did you see the news about the Boston Marathon?"

no, i had not. and i was scared to look. and i really had to finish my damn taxes. but against better judgement i did a quick peek at the news... 2 explosions at the finish line. people were very hurt, some maybe dead. it just takes a couple headlines for the fear to come roaring back. it gripped me and started playing images of anna running that race and being there and the worst. i had to focus. without learning any more details, i finished up my taxes and drove to the post office. i cried on the way there. it was senseless... these things always are. how do i process this?

i got angry. how could they? who are they? they attacked my sport. the sport that brings peace and healing to so many people. running is a sanctuary... the boston marathon is sacred and full of dreams realized. i took it personally. i think anyone who finds peace in running did.

i cried for anna and the world that i brought her into. she's too young now, to know what the heck is going on. but very soon i will have to explain evil and death to her, and try to muster up a decent answer to all the "why" questions she'll inevitably throw my way.

i can't even explain it to myself. i couldn't process it.

but as i drove home from the post office (envelopes down the chute of the blue mailbox at 4:49pm...11 minutes to spare in case you wondered) i began to process it... as i imagined the questions i might get from my curious sweet girl... i gave those same questions up to God. why? why? why?

when i got home, after tucking the peanut in and saying goodnight to hubs, i checked in to see what the masses were saying on twitter and facebook. "pray for boston"was already trending heavily.

i believed that was important. i believe in the power of prayer. there was also a lot of talk about "looking for the helpers" and finding good in the terror. this is all good and true. don't we see the best of humanity with the worst of humanity?

i was filing all this away for my conversation with future aj. but it wasn't enough. the anxiety was still gripping me. with each image or headline it grew worse so i turned it off and went to bed. i started to pray. for boston. like everyone said to do. but really i was praying for God to make the fear go away.

then, i clearly i heard a little voice say... 'pray for your enemies'. hm. when i was online, amidst the #prayforboston, i saw a lot of anger, fear and speculation about who did this heinous act. the president assured justice would be served, and they were called cowards and terrorists. and rightfully so. i was angry too. but no one was praying for them.

don't they need the most prayer?

as i prayed this new prayer, imagining people that were so so very in need of a savior... my fear started to vanish. i'm not kidding... it melted away. my favorite martin luther king jr quote came to mind:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

but what does this light and love look like? i think it looks like praying for our enemies. the bad guys.

dear future aj: evil happens when there is an absence of God. not because God isn't there, but because people aren't willing to let him in. this is why it is so important for us to pray, stay close to Jesus, and keep God in the center of our lives. but even more importantly...we have to pray for the bad guys. no one wants to do this because it is hard and goes against our culture in the biggest way, but that is what God told us to do.

he said "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." 

you see, this is the only way the world will change. pray for boston. look for the helpers. but above all, pray for the bad guys.

no one told me about the fear...

when i was pregnant with peanut, i had a few people warn me about the love. one friend wrote: "you can't really prepare yourself for it, but be, um, prepared to have your heart pretty much explode with love and gratitude when you meet your child face-to-face." (it was in response to a facebook post where i asked how to prepare for this impending life changing event.) they were right... i was totally taken off guard by the enormity of the love i felt toward aj from the moment i held her tiny little bundled up body in my arms. it was huge. pacific ocean huge and so fun.

but no one warned me about the counterpart to that giant love bath... the fear. oh the fear. it has taken me over a year to even write about this fear, because it is too raw and too heavy for me to entertain for more than a few minutes. the world suddenly became a dark and evil place. i couldn't get through the day without catching a headline or hearing a whisper about abuse, rape, a tragic accident. nothing was off limits. my little bundle of love was always a heartbeat away from certain death. it might sound like hyperbole, but i promise you this was my reality. i would lay in bed, exhausted yet unable to sleep, as i scrolled through my phone. there was a recall for this infant sleeper thingy, tied to an infant fatality, and the thought of "what if..."

what if that was our little one...

for months, i lived in a world that was a stark contrast of love and fear. i loved holding aj. i loved her little smile. i loved watching her reach for a toy. i loved watching her hold her head up from day 1 it seemed. i loved seeing her dance with her dad. oh how much she loves her dad. i loved hearing her laugh for the first time. i'm telling you...the love thing is legit.

but the fear was always there casting a shadow.

milestones like moving aj to her crib from our bedside bassinet, going back to work, taking our first trip together were all marred by the fear. on our first night away from aj, we dropped her off at grandma & grandpa's then headed to an indy b & b for our 3 year anniversary. (hubs planned it). just as we arrived downtown, we got into a car accident. i think we were still in motion when i blurted out "oh thank GOD aj isn't in the car!" we were fine. it all worked out, but it gave the fear all the more ammunition. WE ARE NOT SAFE. that night at dinner, i told mark if anything happened to aj, i'm fairly certain i would never ever recover. he told me i had to, as he couldn't bear losing us both. yes. our romantic dinner conversation revolved around the hypothetical tragedy that would inevitably strike. cheers to us. this is how powerful of a grip the fear had on me.

i know God was with me through all this. there were moments where i clearly felt his peace, but mainly i felt scared and lost and drowning in worry. i wasn't fun anymore, and i didn't care. my sole purpose in life was to make sure i kept my daughter alive.

finally, finally he broke through.

i got this book in a care package from my mom. it was a devotional book called Jesus Calling. yeah it doesn't get cheesier than that. (sorry mom.) i immediately wrote it off as 'not my style' and put it in the donate pile. a few weeks later i saw it sitting there and for no reason i can identify, i opened it up to that day's devotional. it was august 24th. the entry read:

"Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into my protective care. They are much safer with me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your hands, you endanger them- as well as yourself."

Jesus Calling

it couldn't have been more clear if God tapped me on the shoulder and said it to me right there in a morgan freeman voice. it went on to talk about the story of isaac and abraham...my least favorite story in the bible. i mean, how sadistic can you get? but i started to understand. the fear was ruining me. i was idolizing my daughter, and it was wrecking me very slowly.

this was the beginning of the love overcoming the fear. i had help. i had this team that made up of my amazingly supportive hubs, my sister and a couple best friends... i also had a good dose of therapy... and so much prayer...the cloud was lifting. the fear was still there, but i started to stare it down. i stopped peeking into aj's room to check if she was breathing. hubs and i instituted a NO INTERNET BEFORE BED rule (which i highly recommend). i halted the downward spiral of crazy by repeating "i cast all my cares upon him". when i heard a story involving a child or a mother or some horrible evil in the world...i plotted how i would make a difference. how aj would make a difference someday.

the cloud was lifting.

the fear still exists. it lurks in corners and sometimes jumps out at me when i'm vulnerable. today was one of those days, when a headline that was so grotesque and unfathomable caught my eye, and i was short on sleep and premenstrual... i had to run outside and cry in the parking lot at work. it haunted me all day and reminded me of a time when fear won everyday. but this time, i fought back. i emailed those closest to me, begging for prayers. "i cast all my cares on him...i cast all my cares on him...he is in control". by 5pm i was calm and slowly remembered that love wins.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."

1 John 4:18