no one told me about the fear...

when i was pregnant with peanut, i had a few people warn me about the love. one friend wrote: "you can't really prepare yourself for it, but be, um, prepared to have your heart pretty much explode with love and gratitude when you meet your child face-to-face." (it was in response to a facebook post where i asked how to prepare for this impending life changing event.) they were right... i was totally taken off guard by the enormity of the love i felt toward aj from the moment i held her tiny little bundled up body in my arms. it was huge. pacific ocean huge and so fun.

but no one warned me about the counterpart to that giant love bath... the fear. oh the fear. it has taken me over a year to even write about this fear, because it is too raw and too heavy for me to entertain for more than a few minutes. the world suddenly became a dark and evil place. i couldn't get through the day without catching a headline or hearing a whisper about abuse, rape, a tragic accident. nothing was off limits. my little bundle of love was always a heartbeat away from certain death. it might sound like hyperbole, but i promise you this was my reality. i would lay in bed, exhausted yet unable to sleep, as i scrolled through my phone. there was a recall for this infant sleeper thingy, tied to an infant fatality, and the thought of "what if..."

what if that was our little one...

for months, i lived in a world that was a stark contrast of love and fear. i loved holding aj. i loved her little smile. i loved watching her reach for a toy. i loved watching her hold her head up from day 1 it seemed. i loved seeing her dance with her dad. oh how much she loves her dad. i loved hearing her laugh for the first time. i'm telling you...the love thing is legit.

but the fear was always there casting a shadow.

milestones like moving aj to her crib from our bedside bassinet, going back to work, taking our first trip together were all marred by the fear. on our first night away from aj, we dropped her off at grandma & grandpa's then headed to an indy b & b for our 3 year anniversary. (hubs planned it). just as we arrived downtown, we got into a car accident. i think we were still in motion when i blurted out "oh thank GOD aj isn't in the car!" we were fine. it all worked out, but it gave the fear all the more ammunition. WE ARE NOT SAFE. that night at dinner, i told mark if anything happened to aj, i'm fairly certain i would never ever recover. he told me i had to, as he couldn't bear losing us both. yes. our romantic dinner conversation revolved around the hypothetical tragedy that would inevitably strike. cheers to us. this is how powerful of a grip the fear had on me.

i know God was with me through all this. there were moments where i clearly felt his peace, but mainly i felt scared and lost and drowning in worry. i wasn't fun anymore, and i didn't care. my sole purpose in life was to make sure i kept my daughter alive.

finally, finally he broke through.

i got this book in a care package from my mom. it was a devotional book called Jesus Calling. yeah it doesn't get cheesier than that. (sorry mom.) i immediately wrote it off as 'not my style' and put it in the donate pile. a few weeks later i saw it sitting there and for no reason i can identify, i opened it up to that day's devotional. it was august 24th. the entry read:

"Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into my protective care. They are much safer with me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your hands, you endanger them- as well as yourself."

Jesus Calling

it couldn't have been more clear if God tapped me on the shoulder and said it to me right there in a morgan freeman voice. it went on to talk about the story of isaac and abraham...my least favorite story in the bible. i mean, how sadistic can you get? but i started to understand. the fear was ruining me. i was idolizing my daughter, and it was wrecking me very slowly.

this was the beginning of the love overcoming the fear. i had help. i had this team that made up of my amazingly supportive hubs, my sister and a couple best friends... i also had a good dose of therapy... and so much prayer...the cloud was lifting. the fear was still there, but i started to stare it down. i stopped peeking into aj's room to check if she was breathing. hubs and i instituted a NO INTERNET BEFORE BED rule (which i highly recommend). i halted the downward spiral of crazy by repeating "i cast all my cares upon him". when i heard a story involving a child or a mother or some horrible evil in the world...i plotted how i would make a difference. how aj would make a difference someday.

the cloud was lifting.

the fear still exists. it lurks in corners and sometimes jumps out at me when i'm vulnerable. today was one of those days, when a headline that was so grotesque and unfathomable caught my eye, and i was short on sleep and premenstrual... i had to run outside and cry in the parking lot at work. it haunted me all day and reminded me of a time when fear won everyday. but this time, i fought back. i emailed those closest to me, begging for prayers. "i cast all my cares on him...i cast all my cares on him...he is in control". by 5pm i was calm and slowly remembered that love wins.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."

1 John 4:18